Up front this is something I had AI generate because I was bored it's not high art it's stupid and disposable and it made me laugh and I want to share it. I was thinking about how JK Simmons played Ivo shandor in afterlife and how he voiced cave Johnson in portal 2 and how both characters were into mad science in their own way I thought what happens if you mix the two. Chat GPT spit this out.
IVO SHANDOR PROMOTIONAL ADDRESS
— Recovered from a wax cylinder found beneath Summerville, OK
---
The recording whirs to life, grainy, full of static, but unmistakably carrying the cadence of Cave Johnson’s unhinged corporate reassurance. Except this time, it’s not Cave. It’s Ivo Shandor—architect, occultist, billionaire nuisance, and man with a vision. A very inconvenient vision.
---
IVO SHANDOR:
Hello, employees, cultists, unpaid interns, and anyone else unfortunate enough to hear this. Ivo Shandor here, founder of the Shandor Mining Corporation, architect of 550 Central Park West, and soon-to-be deity if everything goes according to plan. And if you’re hearing this message, congratulations—either you helped pave the way for our glorious spectral ascension, or you failed miserably and ghosts are now eating your face. Results vary.
Now listen up. When I built my building in Manhattan, people laughed.
“Oh Ivo, nobody needs selenium girders!”
“Oh Ivo, roof altars aren’t practical!”
“Oh Ivo, why does my bedroom window face a swirling pit of forbidden geometry?”
Well look who’s laughing now. (Hint: it’s not the guy who got thrown out the 19th floor window by Gozerian residual energy. We miss you, Carl.)
Let me be clear: we’re not just making a building. We’re making a psychomagnetheric skyscraper calibrated to resonate with the cold, dark heart of the universe. A supernatural lightning rod connecting the material plane to beings beyond mortal comprehension. It’s elegant, it’s efficient, and it keeps property taxes suspiciously low.
And when the Big Apple wasn’t enough?
We dug a mine.
You ever look at a pit full of raw, bubbling ghost-ore and think, “I want to poke that with a stick”? I did. And because I have initiative, funding, and absolutely no regard for human safety, I DID poke it. That’s called entrepreneurial spirit. Write that down.
Now, you may experience some side effects while working down in Summerville. These include—but are not limited to:
Disintegration
Re-integration
Possession by Sumerian death gods
Being turned into crunchy terror-marshmallow by Gozer the Destructor
Sudden urge to chant in ancient Hittite
If any of these happen, please notify your supervisor—assuming you still have a mouth, or the ability to scream.
Remember: we’re doing important work. Not everyone gets to say they helped usher in a new age of spectral domination! So keep drilling, keep worshipping, and please refrain from eating the slime deposits. They are not candy. (Unless Gozer says otherwise. In that case, eat ALL the candy. Praise Gozer.)
This is Ivo Shandor, signing off.
If I don’t see you in the break room, I’ll see you in the afterlife.
It’s more of a lateral transfer, really.
---
The recording ends with faint chanting, a distant rumble, and what sounds like a ghost bear attacking someone who really should’ve stayed home today.
IVO SHANDOR PROMOTIONAL ADDRESS
— Recovered from a wax cylinder found beneath Summerville, OK
---
The recording whirs to life, grainy, full of static, but unmistakably carrying the cadence of Cave Johnson’s unhinged corporate reassurance. Except this time, it’s not Cave. It’s Ivo Shandor—architect, occultist, billionaire nuisance, and man with a vision. A very inconvenient vision.
---
IVO SHANDOR:
Hello, employees, cultists, unpaid interns, and anyone else unfortunate enough to hear this. Ivo Shandor here, founder of the Shandor Mining Corporation, architect of 550 Central Park West, and soon-to-be deity if everything goes according to plan. And if you’re hearing this message, congratulations—either you helped pave the way for our glorious spectral ascension, or you failed miserably and ghosts are now eating your face. Results vary.
Now listen up. When I built my building in Manhattan, people laughed.
“Oh Ivo, nobody needs selenium girders!”
“Oh Ivo, roof altars aren’t practical!”
“Oh Ivo, why does my bedroom window face a swirling pit of forbidden geometry?”
Well look who’s laughing now. (Hint: it’s not the guy who got thrown out the 19th floor window by Gozerian residual energy. We miss you, Carl.)
Let me be clear: we’re not just making a building. We’re making a psychomagnetheric skyscraper calibrated to resonate with the cold, dark heart of the universe. A supernatural lightning rod connecting the material plane to beings beyond mortal comprehension. It’s elegant, it’s efficient, and it keeps property taxes suspiciously low.
And when the Big Apple wasn’t enough?
We dug a mine.
You ever look at a pit full of raw, bubbling ghost-ore and think, “I want to poke that with a stick”? I did. And because I have initiative, funding, and absolutely no regard for human safety, I DID poke it. That’s called entrepreneurial spirit. Write that down.
Now, you may experience some side effects while working down in Summerville. These include—but are not limited to:
Disintegration
Re-integration
Possession by Sumerian death gods
Being turned into crunchy terror-marshmallow by Gozer the Destructor
Sudden urge to chant in ancient Hittite
If any of these happen, please notify your supervisor—assuming you still have a mouth, or the ability to scream.
Remember: we’re doing important work. Not everyone gets to say they helped usher in a new age of spectral domination! So keep drilling, keep worshipping, and please refrain from eating the slime deposits. They are not candy. (Unless Gozer says otherwise. In that case, eat ALL the candy. Praise Gozer.)
This is Ivo Shandor, signing off.
If I don’t see you in the break room, I’ll see you in the afterlife.
It’s more of a lateral transfer, really.
---
The recording ends with faint chanting, a distant rumble, and what sounds like a ghost bear attacking someone who really should’ve stayed home today.
Statistics: Posted by Bison256 — December 8th, 2025, 9:12 am